"She wants to bone you like a dill pickle at a buffet"

"I'm tired as a prostitute on a weekend"

"I just shattered my knee drum. Might have shattered a calf"

"They're a pain in my thorn"

"He'll be ok. He has a good shoulder on his head"

"I'm not trying to trample on your coatsticks"

"That girl doesn't have a piss to pot in"

"When it rains, it shits"

"They're like two cloths cut from the same quilt"

"Don't want to work with those little goat fucks today"

"I'm as hungry as a three eyed yak"

"Hoarding is a disease. Some people hoard, some drink. I could be a hoarder but I get drunk instead"

"You might not believe this, but I used to be a real wilderness woman"

(talking about her Girl Scout days in Tulsa)

"I'll eject you like Tetris on a Sunday if you come into my house and disrespect me"

"Pungent like a crab on Saturday afternoon"

"You like that sandwich? ... Yup, it's better than a nutsack sandwich"

"I'm wearing orange to celebrate cheese"

"She's always making molehills out of mountains"

"I'm putting on my nacho pants"

"I hate being a slave to the wine"

"She's not the cutest piece of meat on the old butcher block"

"Let's cut him under the gun"

"I got this Versa wrapped up like a turnip"

"Look at that dog...his shoulders are protruding like Richard Simmons"

"You down a bottle of dumb fuck yourself"

"I will punch him square in the four eyes"

(talking about Davis)

"I'm just glad you're not a statistic"

(said to Joe after the beating)

"She's not the smartest nail in the coffin"

"You put a duck in a duck pond, it's gonna fucking swim"

"Sorry, I was just staring at your meat"

(said to guy working BBQ at community fundraiser)

"I'm the Dali Lama. Fuck you."

"Fuck you. What'd you say?"

"I woke up with a handprint on my face and piss in my Doc Martin"

"I know you are but what are you?"

"We're on the road to nowhere"

"Well, my pants didn't make it very far last night"

"Fuck you, I make the fucking party"

"Satellite, go fuck yourself"

(sung to the Dave Matthews tune)

"Ripped like a custodian on a Sunday afternoon"

"You ever do pot in a Versa?"

"It looked like her ear had a boner"

"I'm feeling real good. Go fuck yourself in the redwoods"

"I've been running and gunning all day"

"It's hotter than a bum's balls in New York City"

"Bunk as a skunk"

"I'm no fucking arborist"

"What's this song about, butt fucking?"

...while Backdoor Man is playing.

"What are they doing, chonging down over there?"

"Babe, not to be rude, but I didn't know they made them that ugly"

"I used to be such a chronic pisser in the neighborhood swimming pool"

Clams

"It's as cold as a clam in here"
"I'm as hungry as a clam"
"You were drunker than a clam"

"I'm as sober as a judge that just won a case"

"I'm your babysitter, I'm your f'n nightmare."

"Looks like we're in a paddle boat that's sinking."

"You sound like a shitbag in a cemetery"

"That girl looked like she just came off the butcher block"

"It's nothing to brag home about"

"Like a couple pieces off wood of the ole block"